June 24, 2012

Sunday stream of consciousness

* Nature Boy is spending 12 days in Texas with my husband's parents.
* It's only been 4 days, and I miss him already.
* He's also visiting his bald, red-bearded, punk rock-drumming, iron-working Uncle Jake.
* This is Uncle Jake and his life partner, Joaquin.
* Just kidding. I don't know who that other guy is.

* Nature Boy and Uncle Jake made a copper crown this weekend.
* Which will pair nicely with the copper Mother's Day tiara that Nature Boy made for me.

* My mom and her dog-like cat, Morgan, are bunking with us for the summer. 
* I get my tell-it-like-it-is-ness from my mom.  And my eyelashes from my dad.
* My parents divorced when I was one.
* My dad wears kilts and plays the electric guitar.
* He's coming to visit us for the 4th of July.
* I'm betting at least one kilt will be in evidence.
* My dad has not met Tank yet.

* Tank's sensitive boxer belly can't tolerate the richness of high-falutin', grain-free dog food.
* Neither can our nostrils.  (P. U.)

* I have a thing for nostrils.
* It's not a weird fetish thing.  I just notice them.  Good nostrils can "make" an otherwise so-so face.
* I like my left nostril better than my right nostril.
* My left nostril has exotic flare.
* When people take my picture (crazed blog fans, the paparazzi, etc.) I actually tilt my face to the right to highlight my left nostril.

* My best friend, Shrinky Dink, and her girls have tiny little nostrils.  I don't know how they manage the exchange of air.
* There's a guy at our church with freakishly large nostrils.  They are quite distracting, really. 
* Nature Boy calls him "Giant Nostril Guy".
* My mom calls people with big nostrils "Nostrildamus".
* Nostril-gazing is a family trait, apparently.

* Tree Guy does not share my fascination with nostrils.
* He is, however, obsessed with all things war.  War documentaries.  War movies.  Sniper TV shows.  War computer games.  Airsoft war. 
* Tree Guy wanted to join the military after school, but he couldn't because of flat feet and asthma.
* I never even considered joining the military.  I like to be the boss of myself.
* Plus, I'm pretty sure the military has some sort of ass-width maximum.

* I'm having sinus surgery on Wednesday.
* Both of my parents have had the same surgery.
* I have been assured that my nostrils will not be altered during the course of this surgery.
* I did "jokingly" ask the surgeon to shave down the slightly bulbous evidence of my Jewish heritage while he was in there. 
* I think my "joke" made him a little uncomfortable, like I was trying to get him to commit insurance fraud by giving me a nose job and calling it sinus surgery.
* I would never ask anyone to commit insurance fraud! 
* But I'd take the less bulbous schnoz and not ask any questions.

* Shrinky Dink offered to drive me to my sinus surgery so Tree Guy doesn't have to miss work.
* But then she remembered she has a meeting that day, so she flaked out.
* I still don't know how I'm getting to the hospital.
* I'm nervous about the anesthesia since the whole waking-up-paralyzed-thing happened in 2004.

* I'm fairly certain that I overuse hyphens.

* I went to church with Shrinky Dink and her girls today.
* Shrinky Dink's church gives away garden-fresh produce.
* After church, I bought us all drinks at the gas station.
* I paid for the drinks with a cucumber.
* This may or may not be the cucumber I bought the drinks with.

June 18, 2012

Your weekly dose of shameless self-promotion

Blogs are, by nature, perfect platforms for shameless self-promotion. 

Look at my pictures!  Watch my videos!  Learn from my wisdom!  Laugh at my jokes!  Be informed about my policy on pinatas

And bloggers are just grown up little kids yelling, "Hey, watch this!"

(Or maybe that's just me.)

These wise (and completely true) pronouncements are my attempt at legitimizing my own tendency to self-propagandize. 

I'm just like everybody else, see.  We're bloggers, and self-promotion is how we roll.

Today is my mom's (GC Brawler) birthday!  She asked that I record a karaoke video of Adele's Someone Like You, so I did.  Normally birthday raps are more my style, but Tank shredded my Afro wig!  (@*#%$*&!) 

Happy berfday, Mom!!!!!

June 09, 2012

Grammar Rap!

I know, I know.  I'm supposed to be on a summer hiatus, but the summer sun is triggering a mini bipolar bonanza o' creativity, and I figure I'd better capitalize on it while it lasts.

Nature Boy's a creative, unconventional learner.  And I am, well, just unconventional in general. 

As part of our homeschooling, he and I have been working on a grammar rap video.  It took a million takes (blooper montage forthcoming!), but we got it.  And two of his homeschool buddies provided backup!

For the record, I know I suck at rapping.  I just do it for the laughs.  For the sheer lunacy.  For the total irony that I'm a middle-aged white homeschooling mom living in the suburbs smackdab in the middle of the Bible Belt, and I'm rapping

And I am fully aware that my alter ego looks more like Bozo the Clown's crazy cousin than a sista with a 'fro.

But that just adds spice to the crazy stew.

So, without further ado, I present GRAMMAR RAP!

June 08, 2012

Down with pinatas!

My adorable blogging buddy over at Bohemian Bowmans is currently en route to Canada.  To keep her readers entertained during her move, she scheduled guest posts on her blog.  (Unlike my sorry ass, who announced a summer blog hiatus and then just disappeared--leaving y'all with nothing but old, played out reposts.  Yeah, sorry about that.)

Anyhoo, today's my guest posting day.  In it, I share with you my strong stance on pinatas.

Check it out here.


P.S.  Tomorrow I will wow you with more of my rap stylings.  Stay tuned for Grammar Rap!

P.S.S.  I totally suck at blog hiatuses.  (Hiatuses? Hiati?)

June 07, 2012

Tank says: It wasn't me.

Our boxer has a wee separation anxiety problem. 

He's a perfect gentleman (albeit a drooly one) when we're home, but when we leave, he either shreds everything in the bathroom trash cans or teethes on Nature Boy's plastic toys.  He has a particular fondness for Bionicles.

And since every boy toy is likely a RARE COLLECTIBLE (in the boy's mind anyway), each episode of mastication results in a dog lecture.  I will chronicle the most recent.

But first, this is how Tank normally looks.

This is how he looks when he's getting his You Ate Another Toy?! lecture.

"I don't have ears!  Everyone knows ears are required for chewing up children's toys."

"I seal my ears to your accusations!"

"I have no ears.  Shouldn't you be securing medical care instead of lecturing?"

Perhaps I can intimidate them into shutting up by looking more like a pitbull.


(That black blur behind Tank is Raven getting the hell out of Dodge.  She's cautious like that.)

Tank is staunch in his denial. He's all, "What Bionicle?"

So I produce the evidence.

And still he swears, "It wasn't me."

I don't believe him.

June 04, 2012

Flashback: Top 10 Most Annoying Things People Do (Part II)

Last week I reposted Part I of my list of annoying stuff folks do.  Here's the second installment, originally posted in April 2011.  (Rest in peace, Meemaw!) 

What are YOUR people pet peeves?

P.S.  Um, about #3...  This blog doesn't count as "in public", right???  :D


Back again, folks, with more annoying things people do.  (Click pictures to enlarge.)

5. When caseworkers/gatekeepers of services are rude/incompetent.

One of my absolute favorite parts of caregiving is all the paperwork involved. I especially enjoy when I've spent weeks compiling required documents in order to gain access to some service that my grandma clearly qualifies for, yet the caseworker/receptionist person has neglected to do HER part, so I have to completely start over again with updated documentation.

I've been trying to get my grandma Advantage Waiver services (services designed to keep people out of nursing homes and in their own homes) through the Department of Human Services for a few months now. Her incompetent caseworker has been completely unreachable by phone, and the few times I've received a letter from her, it has a deadline for required documents that will expire in like, two days. If the paperwork isn't received by The Incredible Disappearing Caseworker by the deadline, the application is automatically denied and the case for services is closed.

It seems to me that the caseworker is setting it up so the application is denied before she ever has to go through the paperwork to verify everything. Less work for her!

4. When people ramble on with guesses instead of just saying that they don't know the answer to my question.

This bothers me because it's a waste of time. I don't know the answer, so I ask someone else. If they don't know the answer, I want to move on and find someone who does. I have no patience for listening to postulations and pontifications for what feels like an eternity. So you don't know everything. Let it GO!

3. When people cuss in public.

My son was 5 when he learned the F-word in a checkout line at Walmart. Interestingly, he heard it from another mother who happened to be cussing out her teenage daughter. Now, as I've mentioned before, the grandmas in my family let choice words fly on a regular basis, so my son has heard 'em all by now. (He is very rule-oriented, fortunately, so he doesn't say them himself.) So perhaps it shouldn't bother me when people cuss in front of him any more. But it does. And it happens everywhere--movies, sleepovers, the mall, restaurants. (Which reminds me again that I need to tell you about the Golden Corral Incident.)

2. When people call me too early in the morning(!).

I am an inveterate night owl. And I'm crabby in the morning if someone wakes me up before I'm ready. This happens most mornings. Usually it's a phone call from some doctor's office reminding me of an appointment (that I already have entered in the calender feature of my phone).

Sometimes I want to stomp on my phone.

Sometimes I want to stomp on my doctor's office.

My husband thinks it's ridiculous that it bothers me to get a call before 10am. He's all, "The REST of the world starts operating at 8. Deal with it."

He doesn't say this to me before 10am, however.

And the number one most annoying thing people do....

1. When people are cruel to animals.

See, I don't even PLAY when it comes to animal abuse. I don't keep quiet like I do in some of the other annoying situations. I don't try to confuse the idiots with witty banter. No, I create a physical barrier and face the bullies down.

I have no problem being labeled The Pet Po-Po.

I don't like punks who throw rocks or poke sticks at dogs in fences. I don't like people who harass (or watch while their kids harass) wildlife. I think people who torture grasshoppers need to spend some time in an inpatient facility.

And there you have it. A veritable guidebook on how not to get on my bad side.

You're welcome.