December 25, 2012

Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Story

Merry Christmas, y'all!  I hope you're having a wonderful time with your families and friends.  And presents.  And pie.

We're having a great holiday here.  I'm really grateful.  But it's cold, man!  It's currently 23 degrees here with a wind chill of 14.  And one of the Homeskool Mafia members stole my purple long johns(!), so I'm one cold mama.

Remember yesterday when I told you about my dwarf phobia and mentioned that the whole Elf on the Shelf thing freaks me out as well?

My grandparents had an Elf of the Shelf when I was little.  I remember waking up and looking for it each morning on the days before Christmas.  I went along with the tradition, I guess, but I was always a little freaked out.  

Who, I ask you, came up with the crazy idea to put creepy mini-Chuckies on our childhood shelves and move them around overnight so that kids think they come alive after bedtime?  HOW SCARY IS THAT?!

You know, our parents and grandparents will probably claim that they did the Elf on the Shelf thing for our benefit.  "It's part of the magic of Christmas," they'd say.

Don't believe 'em.

The real reason our elders tortured us like this is because it was FUN FOR THEM!  They were peeved about getting crappy kid-made macaroni necklaces for Christmas, so they exacted their revenge with Elves on Shelves!

The series of photos below came from our amazing realtor, Debbie.  She really gets into this thing!  And she posts pictures of her little elf family's adventures on Facebook, so the elf-averse are bombarded with creepy elvish scenes on a regular basis this time of year!  I asked her for one picture to use for my blog, and she sent me nine.  Nine!  [Thanks, Debbie (kind of) for the photos!]   

Below is how I imagine Elf on the Shelf life to be.  [All text (both on the photos and off) was added by me, so don't blame poor (elf-obsessed) Debbie.] 


Hi.  I'm Jack.  And this is my story.

This is me in happier times.

Before the whole leg-eating thing happened, we were flying high in first class to our honeymoon destination, when my new bride, Jingle, made a suggestion that should have given me pause.

I thought she was referring to the bodies of the snowmen that would melting on our front lawn after we returned from our trip, but I was to discover that I was horribly mistaken.

My second clue that something was not right was in my wife's choice of honeymoon activities.  

 Our wedding night was one I will never forget.  

Mainly because I came away from it missing my left leg.  

Still, I didn't want to start our marriage on the wrong, er, foot, so I decided to make peace with my "special" bride.

We had a couple of good years.  We partied late into the nights and took a lot of vacations.  I could tell Jingle was giving our marriage her best shot.

Soon, the two of us became three, and I was as happy as a one-legged elf can be.

Jingle's really getting into the wife and mother thing.  She even made us milk and cookies for Christmas this year!

Today is our anniversary, so Jingle prepared us a special lunch!  I can't wait!

[Note from the editor:  It grieves me to inform you that Jack is unable to complete his story.]

[He drank the Kool-Aid.]

The End.

1 comment:

  1. I never knew about "elf on the shelf" until last year and I can say I only vaguely know what's up with the whole scene.

    So this is why your story with the (super ultra creepy) pictures is so impactfull on me. Others may read your macabre holiday story and not in any way be effected because they are all full up of years and years of good elf on the shelf memories. I, on the other hand, have had just about one explanation of elf on the shelf and that was yours.

    so, now I have an elf on a shelf phobia. I am afraid of elves coming and ripping out my eyeballs to have eyeball fights.

    I am disturbed.

    Maybe if they have an "elf on the shelf" marathon that I can watch and get all dis-phobic about them, I'll feel better.

    Until then, I hope you feel super ultra guilty.

    Merry Christmas, nonetheless (:

    You rock. I loved both posts. But the popular girl in college scene, coupled with the elf on the shelf scene, are melding together in my mind and it's not good, not good at all.