July 09, 2012


I'm a week and a half out from sinus surgery and things are going well.  Not quite as well as they were going when I was blissed out on Lortab every 4 hours, but still--I can't complain.

According to that sage font (or is it fount?) of wisdom (my mom), sinus surgery used to hurt like a mofo.  Apparently, back in the Olden Days they packed all manner of crap up in there before corking one's schnoz with splints the size of milk jug handles.  (My mom cried when her doc removed her splints.)

But I didn't know all that before my own surgery.  When my doctor told me there would be no packing, I just assumed he meant that I should leave my Glock at home. 

Now I know how fortunate I am to be living in these modern times.  I was completely out during the surgery.  No wallet biting or chloroform necessary.

And my wonderful recovery room nurse was generous with the morphine, so I didn't even feel bad immediately post-op.

There has been some swelling, however.  I had a W.C. Fields moment.  Check it.

As I mentioned before, I've always been partial to my left nostril.  Its superiority seemed even more pronounced after surgery.  So much so that I brought it up to my surgeon at my first post-op visit. 

When he realized that I wasn't joking, he told me there was still too much swelling to evaluate nostril balance and I'd need to wait a few more weeks before passing judgment.


Patience is not a virtue that I possess, so I decided to compare post-op photos with pre-op pics.  I discovered that my nostrils have always been misaligned. 

DUH.  If they were perfectly symmetrical, I wouldn't have a favorite, right?

My nostrils are like fraternal twins.  My left nostril is the pretty one, content to get by on looks alone.  My right nostril is the homely, dependable one.  I've always been able to breathe better out of my right nostril.  Most of my nasal FUBAR (and therefore, surgery) was on the left.

And now you know more than you wanted to know about my whiffer.

But since I've already tabled my dignity, I might as well add that yesterday I blew out some giant globs of coagulated black blood.  (From my overachieving right nostril, of course.)

It was really cool.

I chased Nature Boy and Shrinky Dink's kids around the house with my glob-coated Kleenex.

Then I dropped the bloody, globby Kleenex on the floor.

(Yeah, I didn't really think that through.)

FUN FACT:  After sinus surgery, the doctor uses a scope and a suction device to go all up in your sinuses and clean out "crusts".  It's not as fun as it sounds. 

P.S.  Shrinky Dink and Co. made me some fake mustaches to help disguise my bandage.  Behold.


  1. only you could make this funny (: glad it worked out and i'm sure your left is still going to be the pretty one. but, i have always wondered what the pretty twin would do in a disfiguring surgical accident. feel better (:

    1. Hahaha! Yeah, what would she really have to fall back on? Being homely forces one to develop other traits!

  2. You are hilarious!:) Glad you're healing up!