August 29, 2011

Confessions 'n' crap

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.  It has been 2 weeks since my last post of substance.

Furthermore, I confess to committing one of the cardinal sins of blogging:  not posting often enough in general.  A quick scan of online advice for creating successful blogs makes it clear that frequent posting (daily is ideal) is key to amassing a large readership.  It's right up there with having interesting content, an easy to navigate layout, and pimping yourself out networking via sites like BlogFrog. 

I call this nothing more than poppycock.  Ballyhoo.  Malarkey.  Hogwash.  Balderdash.  And 14 other synonyms for "nonsense" that can be found at

If I want to know every little daily happening in folks' lives, I'll check out my Facebook homepage.  Curious about the complexions of your friends?  Facebook is the place to be.  ("I've got a giant zit!")  Looking for drama to spice up your day?  Facebook.  "I hate my new boss!  I'm about to go off on this chick!"  Wondering about beverage options?  "At Starbucks."   

When I read blogs, I'm looking for quality posts.  I want to read something that touches me or makes me laugh.  And dishing that up on a daily basis is a tall order.  To bloggers who can do it, I give you major props.  I, however, can only churn 'em out 2 or 3 times a week.  If that. 

I hope they're worth the wait.

P.S.  MAN, I totally have an awesome/crude poem to share with you, but now isn't a good time.  I'm doing a guest post somewhere else in Blogland and I might have an influx of conservative droppers-in who would definitely not appreciate it.

P.S.S.  Eh, so what. 

P.S.S.S.  My dearest mother-in-law, you might want to stop reading right here.

P.S.S.S.S.  This poem must be read aloud, with ghetto flair.

By Danielle, circa the '90s

Wet dookie, dry dookie.  Sumpthin' crawled up yo' ass and died dookie.
Big Dookie, small dookie.  I shouldn't have ate it all dookie.
Slow dookie, fast dookie.  It tore up my ass dookie.
Short dookie, long dookie.  All the toilet paper's gone dookie.
Solid dookie, runny dookie.  Even yo' granny thinks it's funny dookie.
Brown dookie, black dookie.  It's stuck in my crack dookie.
Pebble dookie, log dookie.  Somebody stepped on a frog dookie.
Your dookie, my dookie.  Bulge out yo' EYE dookie.
Sweet dookie, smelly dookie.  Come from the pit o' your belly dookie.
Nice dookie, rank dookie.  Sumpthin' really STANK dookie.
Night dookie, morn dookie.  Is that a piece of corn? dookie.
No dookie, some dookie.  My butt is getting numb dookie.
Yellow dookie, green dookie.  That's the biggest turd I've ever seen dookie.

Now that I've completely destroyed any chance of being asked to be a leader in my Christian homeschool group, I'll share that during college, I was frequently asked to recite this poem at social events.  Yes, impromptu poetry readings by moi.  This is what a college education gets you, people!

P.S.S.S.S.S.  I did an online search for a funny dookie-related image to post.  I don't recommend it.


  1. 'Bout TIME you shared that awesome piece of literature with the world!!!

  2. You're so creative - even when you write about not writing. And I totally agree! And the poem, well... :)

  3. I don't know how bloggers manage to be inspirational or funny every flippin' day..
    While I wish you posted more often, I get the reason you don't!

  4. I hear you, Samantha! If I thought I could write something great everyday, something I thought people would want to read on a daily basis, I would do it.

    And though I don't post everyday, crazy/funny stuff happens everyday. For example, my dog has had diarrhea for the past several days. Today it was yellow and gelatinous. So I took a picture of it for our vet. TWO of them actually, so I could get it from both angles. Imagine me out in the backyard taking pictures of dog crap with my digital camera.

    Too bad I didn't have those photos before I posted the Dookie poem.....

  5. I am so freaking overjoyed to have found your blog. I have a smile on my face throughout almost all the reading and am consistently laughing out loud. You Rock! --Mama at