August 10, 2012

Woe is she

My mom's in the market for a new job.  She's had a few interviews, but no bites so far. 

Here's a poem I wrote for her the last time she lost a job.  (Alas, she went poemless this time.)

Pink Slip

So sorry you lost your job.
We know it really sucks.
We'll be your angry mob
If you go postal on the schmucks.

They've lost a great employee
As they'll soon discover
When they try to replace you
With one after another.

Your loyalty went unnoticed.
Your efficiency was ignored.
You were a star employee.
Your coworkers are floored.

So The Man has knocked you down.
Or, The Woman* in this case.
But you've been down before
And you handled it with grace.

We know that you'll pull through
And get back on your feet.
And find something much better
Than a job on Creaky Street.**

* "The Woman" refers to the standard-issue trifling office beotch at my mom's former place of employment.

** Creaky Street is Nature Boy's nickname for the broke-down street where my mom's former office is.

Since the traditional job hunt process isn't looking too promising, Mom decided to try a temp agency.  To get temp office work, folks have to pass certain tests.  Data entry, Microsoft Word, etc.  To brush up on her skills before taking the tests, my mom signed up to take a Microsoft Excel e-class.  The poor woman tried and tried, but she couldn't get Java to work to take the class.

She has long been convinced that technology has a vendetta against her.  That Karma is paying her a visit for past-life technology-related sins.  That she was switched at birth and cheated of her birthright--to live technology-free as an Amish.

I think she's on to something.

After a fruitless aerobic workout of a computer troubleshooting session, she sent this email to her temp agency contact. 

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: GC Brawler <>
To: <>
Sent: Thursday, August 9, 2012 10:44 PM
Subject: Fw: Skillsoft Browser Capabilities Results

After messing with this for an hour and a half, I am sweating profusely and totally aggravated with Microsoft, Mr. and Mrs. Gates, their children and their future children of their children. And their pets. I think too, I detect a slight twitch coming on in my left eye. I don't believe it's a stroke, but rather, a fight against the urge to go out into the yard, in the middle of a state-wide burn ban, and have a VISTA bonfire. Ah, and there it is... Tension in my shoulders, slithering up my neck.

It's not you, it's me. To use the site from this particular stupid computer, it tells me I must update Java. When I do, it gets to the very end of the process and throws out an error code blah blah blah. I use Google Chrome, so I switch to Internet Explorer and of course, get the same thing with that browser.

The irony in this is that it tells me that I already have Java installed and that it will remove it to re-install and while this is taking place, a little banner sits, mocking me, saying, " 3 BILLION DEVICES RUN JAVA" Thankfully, it stops there, because the unspoken part of it would be, "JUST NOT YOURS, VISTA SUCKER!"

Now, on a mission, because my son-in-law is out of town and my friend who usually takes care of all this crazy stuff for me, is in NORTH AFRICA at school, I go to thinking I will just upgrade the operating system and move on. Nope. I read the first few good reviews and the first few bad reviews and am totally and completely scared to spend the 90 bucks, adding further to my Microsoft aggravation. Not a no-brainer. Thanks, Universe.

That said, and I hope you are laughing, because that is the only payoff at this point in time, I plan to see if I can use my daughter's computer for the e-classes tomorrow afternoon. She has a blog and taught herself how to write HTML to do so. If Java is so doggone important, I am sure hoping she will have applets or pearlets or any other fruitlets allowing me to complete this which, without this crummy operating system, should have been a great asset. Failing THAT, I will try live help, but I can intuit how that will end up. Just how badly did I score the last time I tested there?? Surely I haven't gotten worse!

Somewhere the digital age fairy is laughing so very hard that he cries, and I hope he wets his pants too. While he's sitting on Bill Gates' shoulder.

I come by it honestly, y'all.

1 comment:

  1. BAHahaha Good one. Always good to revisit creaky street w/o having to actually go there. If we were sane, life would suck. And not only for us. ;D