June 19, 2011

Guest Post Alert!: Don't Mess with Mimi

Y'all remember my mom, right?  The GC brawler?  The woman man enough to take down that white trash dude at Golden Corral?  Yeah.  She's got something to say.

Yeah, I said it two.

I have been invited to be a guest blogger on my daughter's blog.  My daughter's blog is VERY funny so the pressure is on, yo.  I think I shall just limit this to the merely amusing.  I tend to be verbose on a rant so herein I will try to lay it out like the Cliff Notes version.  This comes with a rating of EE.  Explicit Eventually.  (Do I need to cuss?  No, I just do.  You will just have to deal with it.)  This is the one in which I list some things I hate even though I find humor in them.  I find humor in about 95% of everything, ever.  I just do.

1)  I hate when folks mispronounce words and you can't correct them.  The dilemma is whether you want to save them from the obvious embarrassment, or it just irks the livin' shit out of you and therefore, becomes all about you.  I work in a medical field with someone who constantly brags about having "been here 15 years."  And this is just one example, but it is a glaring example.  She went to get her yearly lady check.  She said she had to get a mammeogram.  Yep, a MAMMY O GRAM.

The conversation in my head went like this:  Oh no!  Don't.  Just don't.  Ahhhhh, but damn girl!  How old are you?  You do have tits, right?  You're in the medical field!!  WTF?  How many of these have you had in a lifetime??  NO ONE has told you there is no E syllable in this word?  When they call to confirm your appointment, do you become hysterically deaf?!

See folks, if she were in my family?  There would be no ex parte in the chambers of our heads.  We, after amusing ourselves with it, would simply adopt the mispronunciation and use it at every opportunity.  Might even make up a song about it.  Or a poem.  Maybe the "Mammeogram from Alabam" or "Shamalam that Mammeogram."  It would so be ON.

2)  I hate when people make up arbitrary rules, but especially when said rules throw the baby out with the bathwater as it were.  Why can't folks just punish the perp and leave the rest of us alone??  Then I wouldn't have to even think of the absurd. 

Here's an example for the poster of I Hate Arbitrary Rules.  It was Denim Jeans Wednesday.  We all know what jeans are by now.  We also know what shorts are.  Someone wore a pair of denim walking shorts to work on Wednesday.  Her reasoning was she thought they were capri pants.  (They were down to her knees.)  Let me preface this by saying that prior to the Big Deal, we could freely wear capris any day of the week.  Friday was originally Jeans Day and still is.  Wednesday was added for our social committee to raise funds, as we pay $1 for this amenity.  So Walking Shorts Girl has a negative effect on someone and there is a... gasp... COMPLAINT!

So now the rule is NO denim capris are to be worn on Wednesday Jeans Day.  You may still wear NON-denim capris any day of the week, and you are free to wear denim capris on the original jeans day, Friday. Is it me or does this just seem a little nuts?  Someone with the wisdom of Solomon had to actually think that up in the course of their job...  I so want to write a rap about it. 

Until I do, you'll have to be satisfied with this chart.

3)  I hate when folks condescend to prove their superior intellect, when it is average at best.  It brings out a primal need to disprove their delusion.  It is mental Pilates for me and jacks with my trying to stay a humble sort.  I have a jones much like I suspect crack addicts have to use their drug.  I do not like this about myself.  While I wish there was something funny to say about this, it is just a mean streak on my part to school them in the very real world that I would have to value their opinion in order to be offended in the first place.  Period.

4)  I hate being in the presence of the self-absorbed.  They suck the life out of regular people.  I could do an HBO special about this one.  The self-absorbed tend to be also what my best friends and I call a BEAT THIS.  The only reason they allow you to speak at all is to launch their own version of how much more and better they have experienced of whatever it is you have spoken of.  It matters not how insignificant the subject matter is.  It is certain to become an epic movie plot in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.  I just wanna slap the shit out of them.  And in my head, I do.

5)  I hate when religious folks feel as if they are the arbiter of all that is right and correct and now, must convince you of that as well in order to save your soul. I was actually told on Facebook, by someone I had never met or even had a serious discussion with, that I most certainly would go to hell for playing Vampire Wars.  I swear.  My response was that with all the terrible things going on in the world, I was really very sorry to use up any of God's time on a stupid free game.  I was certain too, at that point, that I was wrong about there being one God for everybody, because the One I knew was a loving, powerful God who has the assistance of the Holy Ghost just for the purpose of correcting the error of my ways without the help of a friend of a Facebook friend. 

I stated that I imagined I may get a head thump on the way in past those Pearly Gates for a lot of shit.  None of which would be about Vampire Wars.  I also may have mentioned that I hoped I wasn't behind them in the long line going in because I sometimes lack patience when lines don't move forward.  (I don't think the afterlife has a gate because there's no fence, but I felt compelled to speak in familiar terms with said persons.) My hell would be in spending an eternity with THEM, and I am not certain they don't fall under the above mentioned self-absorbed in point number 4.  I call that a two-fer.  'Nuff said.


  1. What is it with all the weird pant rules in work places these days...and yes...the one lone idiot who ef's it up for everyone else around???!!!

    I'm with you on Vampire Wars...If my felony conviction hasn't sent me to hell, surely the excessive Vampire Wars I've played will. My poor preacher daddy...what will they say?

    Life is full of idiots...I try to ignore them. Hard to ignore myself though!

  2. Haha! I LOVE that you called them "pant rules"! My mom's boyfriend is learning English, and one day he told her he was shopping for a pant. That's why we called it the Arbitrary Pant Chart! So glad you got it!

  3. Numbers 1 and 3 made me laugh out loud...I could have written those.

    Hilarious blog! I couldn't stop clicking Older Posts and reading more.

  4. Aw shucks, Samantha! Thank you so much, and also for following my blog.