Mugged Again

Recently I woke up from 8 weeks of first trimester hibernation feeling decidedly frumpy.  I hadn't done my nails in months.  I only shaved because I had doctor appointments and I wanted to avoid rumors of Sasquatch sightings in the medical community.  And I hadn't had a haircut in 14 weeks.  My hair had grown out of its style and was past my shoulders.  Tree Guy told me I looked like a hippie.  And not the cute kind of hippie.

Like her.  Except I pluck my chin hair.

If you've been here awhile, you know all about my haircut issues.  About how the secret underground sorority of hairstylists has a vendetta against me.  How they've all apparently taken a blood oath to royally screw up my hair every time I dare to place my round rump in their chairs.  How they've included Nature Boy in their grudge.  

For the past year, Shrinky Dink (my artist/therapist pal) has cut my hair.  She isn't actually a hairstylist.  Which is probably why she does such a good job.  She's not bound by the pact!

Anyhoo, I woke up yesterday thinking, I must get my groove back!  I need to see some semblance of myself when I look in the mirror!

But Shrinky Dink's out of town.

So I stupidly went to a chain salon for a haircut last night.  And not just any chain salon.  The fancy one.  Inside Walmart.  Yeah.  Because hey, it was 8PM and I needed groceries anyway.

You know how you walk into a salon you've never been to before and immediately eye the stylist with the best hair in the place, hoping she'll be the one cutting your hair?  And instead you get a 15 year old with a buzz cut?

I should've run when the stylist I got suggested an asymmetrical cut.  I let her know then and there that I'm totally OCD about symmetry and if I had an asymmetrical haircut, I'd walk with my head leaning to the longer side because it would just feel that weird. 

I told her I wanted an inverted bob that falls right at shoulder length at its longest part.  And that's what she gave me.

On one side.

I asked her twice to check for evenness.  She did.  But when I got home, I realized my hair looked something like this (without the awesome color and styling).

WTF hairstylists?!  Is it really that hard to listen to what a client wants and give her that?  Most 6-year-olds can cut a straight line!

So I brought my groceries in and busted out the scissors.  I spent an hour trimming the hair on my right side to line up more evenly with the left side.  It's not easy cutting your own hair when it's curly.  WHICH IS WHY CURLY-HAIRED PEOPLE GO TO PROFESSIONALS!

Now you might be thinking to yourself, Danielle, it's your fault for going to a cheap Walmart salon!  I'll give you that.  But I have to add that I've gone to fancy salons and paid a lot more for shitty haircuts too.  It doesn't seem to matter where I go or how much I pay.  Hence my vendetta theory.

Since Shrinky Dink is a therapist, she understands OCD neuroses, and she's willing (for the 4334345th time) to fix a hairstylist's mistake when she gets back in town.

Until then, I'll be the one walking with her head slightly tilted to the right. 

Not exactly an immaculate conception, but still pretty darn miraculous

Since all 3 people who read my blog are also my Facebook friends, this will probably not be a surprise to anyone.  (Note:  I have more than 3 Facebook friends.  It's just that the other 100-odd friends don't read my blog.  F$%kers.)  (Just kidding!)  (Kinda.)

Anyhoo.  My old ass is PREGNANT, y'all!  Knocked up.  PG.  With child.  Bun in the oven.  Preggers.  Expecting.  Harboring a fugitive.

Here's the proof.  (I wanted to be really, really sure.)

^^^^I peed on those.^^^^

I am nearing 40, which doesn't exactly put me in line for the Guinness Book of World Records for Oldest Pregnant Chick, but still.  How is it possible to have chin hairs AND be gestating?  (This person aside.)

I've written before that I've been infertile for a decade, thanks to Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  (Which I can also thank for those chin hairs.)  When I was diagnosed, the endocrinologist said, "If you want to have another baby, you are going to require fertility treatments."  We didn't want to go down that road for financial reasons, but also because my husband was afraid we'd end up with 5 babies at once.  We flirted with adopting, but finally accepted our small family size.  

A year ago I started taking Metformin.  Not for diabetes, but for hormonal balance so I could have normal "cycles".  My primary care doctor told me that I could get pregnant while on Metformin, but I didn't believe her.  Ten years of infertility and 4723655 negative pregnancy tests will do that to a person.

But it's true!  I'm about 12 weeks along now, and I've seen and heard my baby's heartbeat and had 3 ultrasounds!  This fancy, newfangled OB/GYN I see has ultrasound machines in every exam room.    Woohoo! 

This pregnancy has been different.  For one, I haven't thrown up once.  But I've been nauseous!  And I'm gassy.  (Ain't gonna lie.)  I've been really, really tired.  Even more than a middle-aged mom with autoimmunity can expect.  

My guys had different reactions to the news.  My husband was like, "It ain't mine." *

*Just kidding.  He WAS, however, all, "You're NOT pregnant!"  I like to think that his reaction was more about the aforementioned history of 4723655 negative pregnancy tests rather than a reflection of his feelings about being a middle-aged babydaddy.  Though his second reaction was, "I am going to be 58 when this child graduates high school..."

Our son was all, "Ahhh!  What!?  Nuh ugh!!!!" for about 10 minutes.  He's been perfectly fine being an only child, so that didn't surprise me.

 
What did surprise me was that after the initial shock, he was like, "Huh. This might be pretty cool."  And he's been such a help to me.  Doing dishes.  Letting me nap any old time.  Bringing me food when I'm too lazy/tired/arthritic to get it myself.

I've found out since that a few of my friends from high school are expecting new babies too.  It's great to share this with other old young-at-heart gals.  And I have local friends who've just given birth too.  So I'm in good company.  Next challenge:  Finding plus size maternity clothes.  (Wish me luck!)

Wanna see a pic of the little one?  (Is it weird to share an ultrasound picture on a blog?)

LOOK HOW CUTE!!!!!!

Summer Wrap

Whew!  It's been a busy summer, y'all!

It was all-Godspell-all-the-time for awhile there.  Here's a video of my solo.  (That's Nature Boy in the polka dots!)




I can't believe it's already Back to School time for the neighborhood kids.  Why, back in my day, we didn't start school until after Labor Day.

Long live summer!

That said, I'm totally being a follower and starting our homeschool year now too.  Our homeschooling style has shifted a lot over the 7 years we've been doing this.  We started out doing unit studies, switched to a 3Rs, Ruth Beechick-y approach, got all hippie and unschooled for a few years, and now we've settled into plain ol' "relaxed homeschooling".

Which I define as:  not enough formal school work to look or feel like actual school, but enough formal school work so I don't have panic attacks and go prematurely grey.

Finding your groove in homeschooling is like getting past that annoying period in your 20s when you're all, Who am I?  What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  It's a relief, really.  I'm fairly certain that I spent more time agonizing over learning styles, teaching methods, and what other people might think about our choices than I did actually homeschooling for the first 5 years or so.  For real.

Now that that's over (knock on wood), I can confidently say that I am:

Woohoo.

In other news, I'm still fat.

BUT, I've gone to a couple PiYo classes (pilates and yoga combo), and I really enjoyed them.  Even though I sweat like a man and I'm too arthritic for a yoga mat, so I use our gel mat from the kitchen.  (Yeah, all the young skinny girls wanna be like me!)  Usually I work out at home, alone, after everyone else has gone to bed.  Not because I'm ashamed or anything.  It's just, that's my time to Netflix binge, and exercising without being entertained by TV is just weird.

As we wrap up summertime, I'm going to take a minute to review the highlights.

Ren Faire!

We got a pet mouse.  (Read: the snake didn't want him.) 

He's actually a really friendly little guy.  Hand-tame and everthang.

Berry pickin'!

Ripley's Believe It or Not Odditorium!

Did some more crafty stuff.

Nature Boy grew an awesome garden.

And he started a wire wrapped jewelry business!
If you'd like to buy one of his necklaces, send me an email at yeahisaiditblog{at}gmail.com.  You can choose your stone from several options, and the price is $15 shipped. 
(The pendants below have already sold.)
We're considering a family Etsy shop, but for now, we're set up to take Paypal.

That's all I got!  I hope you've enjoyed your summer.  Please leave a comment sharing one of your favorite activities of the summer, or tell me something you're looking forward to this fall.

I Made Deez

In keeping with my long history of slacker-blogging, the following is a post consisting of a bunch of pictures of stuff I made recently.  I was in an artsy mood there for a few weeks.  Crafting, combined with 8 (LONG) weeks of practices for the musical, Godspell, has me creativity-challenged right now.  Soooo, hopefully you enjoy looking at photos of crap I made!

With the Crapper decorating the wall in our main bathroom, we obviously needed something for the master bath.  So I made this.

Then I busted out my new Cricut machine and made this wall art.

The Cricut machine came with some glass etching goo, so I made some etched initial vases with vinyl stencils I made on the Cricut. 

Everyone needs some giant 'staches for tooling around town.

Then I was all inspired to paint cartoonized portraits of my family!
 

Including the dogs!

And Tree Guy (grudgingly) hung them up in a display for me!

Then I made one for my mom.

Then I made some more signs to decorate our walls.

And then I got into doing initial art, a la Pinterest.  I used fancy linen samples that Nature Boy rescued from a dumpster for me (woohoo!), regular acrylic paint and plastic stencils.

And now I am exhausted! ;p


P.S. Whatsay I open an Etsy shop? And make custom cartoonized portraits of people and pets? Folks could send me a picture via email, and I could paint a small portrait for them for $15 shipped. Would you buy one? Do you think there'd be a demand for it?  What about framed initial art?  Custom birthday raps?  (Just kidding on that last one.)  (Kind of.)

P.S.S. Happy summer, y'all!  I can't wait to go swimming.  To show off my curves in my skirted granny swimsuit with the big floral print.  And a wide-brimmed gardening hat.  Hell, yeah!

The Crapper: a Love Story

So I finally bought a potty sign from my friend Erin at Oh Honestly, Erin.  (I know.  I've pimped her blog before.  But the girl is totally pimp-worthy.)  And she also has an Etsy store! 

Potty humor is big in our house, so I knew "the Crapper" would fit right in.  I wanted him to feel at home with his new family, so as soon as he arrived in the mail, I took him on several excursions. 

But first, he had some bonding time with his new dad, Tree Guy.

 

  

Crapper in the sky with diamond.

 

 

The Crapper with a log.



 

 

 The Crapper with my dog.

 

 

 

 

 The Crapper with some cake.

 

 

 

 

The Crapper with a snake.

 

 

 

 

The Crapper with our Tank.

 

 

 

 

The Crapper with some drank.

 

 

 

 

The Crapper with a hat.

 

 

 

 

The Crapper with the cat.

 

 

 

 

So there you have it.  Adopting the Crapper into our family inspired my own creativity.  (Thanks, Erin!)  I've been in a painting/stenciling/Mod Podging frenzy since bringing the Crapper home.  (A crappy crafting post is coming soon!) 

  

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Dude, Where's My Youth?

Tonight will be our second practice for Godspell.  The first practice was a meet-n-greet and a sing through of  the musical score.  Godspell has some awesome songs!!!  We gone be breakin' it down up in that performing arts center!  I like the cast too.  Lots of music folks and theater peeps, which makes for interesting conversation.  (Kind of like going to gay karaoke.  Which I was totally going to do with the fam tomorrow night, but then my gay karaoke-going friend Byn, who invited us, flaked out because she's got to do something boring instead.  Something about going to the screening of her daughter's new movie, To the Wonder.  Lame.)  Just kidding, Byn!!!!!!  Here.  I'll post a hot picture of you and your husband to show how sorry I am.)  (I totally stole this off Facebook.)

Anyhoo, back to Godspell.  When you audition for a part, there's usually a form to fill out with all your info.  On this form, there's a place to write which part you'd like to audition for.  It had been so long since I'd done musical theater, that when I auditioned for Oliver!: The Musical last fall, I filled in that section with "Wherever I fit the best!"  Professional, eh?  Seriously, I was just grateful to get a role in Oliver.  My audition skills were rusty, I was nervous, I'm chubby and arthritic now, so my dancing skills are lacking, etc.

I felt so lucky to get a part with a solo!  Relearning all that musical theater stuff was humbling for me.  It'd been 20 years!  It was Theater Bootcamp.  But I loved it.  I totally caught the musical theater bug again.

So this time, I chose a more challenging audition song (Feeling Good) and I was more prepared and confident at the audition.  I done good, if I do say so myself.  (Shameless.)





I even (canyoubelieve) listed the role I wanted on my information sheet.  I really, really like the song, Turn Back, O Man, so I wrote that I wanted to audition for the role of Sonia.  A saucy, sassy bluesy flirt.





I didn't get the role of Sonia. It went to a saucy, sassy, bluesy, 20-something young lady. I was cast as Peggy, an adulterous earth mother type. Which makes sense, since most of the cast is 20-something, and at one point, Sonia tells Jesus, "Come here Jesus! I got somethin' to show ya!"  Our Jesus is a young college student, so a middle aged Sonia hitting on a 20-something Jesus would be totally inappropriate.  (Whereas a 20-something Sonia hitting on a 20-something Jesus makes total sense.  Am I right?)

I'm not bitter.  The casting is excellent for our show.  And I am definitely more the earth mother type than the hooker type.  Lesson learned:  Don't choose a role to audition for just because you like the solo.

You're never too old to learn something new, folks!

I just want to say that I am so proud of Nature Boy.  There are 11 principal (main) roles in our show, and he got one!  Even though the rest of us are adults.  He is that good, y'all!  Not sure if we'll be able to video any practices for this show, but if so, I'll post them here.

Love you guys!  Thanks for sticking with me.

The Blogging Blahs

Don't you hate it when bloggers just stop writing and never tell you why and you go through their old posts looking for a possible reason that they stopped writing, but there isn't one, so you think that maybe the blogger died or went off-grid or got stuck in a tornado and is now in Oz?

Me too, people.

I wonder if the Blogging Blahs is an official diagnosis.  It should be.  As a long-time blog reader, I've seen it happen to many a blogger.  One month you're all up in her business, conversatin' in the comments section of her blog, making passive aggressive cartoons about her ex (or maybe that's just me), and looking forward to her next post.  The next month she's just gone.  Totally leaves you hanging.  And you're all, "I bet her asshole ex has her tied up with duct tape in his storage shed.  The lack of wifi is the only thing that would keep her from posting!"  And you're surprised to discover that you really miss her.  Her riffs and rants had become a part of your life.  Like a really dysfunctional daily newspaper.  

So I won't do that to you.

I have the Blogging Blahs.  I admit it.  I remain in awe of the awesome, witty bloggers who can do it every day (like my homie Erin at Oh Honestly, Erin).  Heck, I'm even in awe of people who can post weekly at this point.  I seem to be fresh outta blog inspiration.  Or maybe I'm just really tired.  Maybe it's because I'm anemic or maybe it's due to my vitamin D deficiency.  Crohn's disease affects nutrient absorption, but I don't seem to get the one upside to that (weight loss!).  Maybe it's this %&#*ing neverending fibromyalgia/arthritis flare.  Maybe it's that I'm really loving my life right now (except for the above-mentioned %&#*ing fibromyalgia/arthritis flare) and I'm more into living it than documenting it.  Maybe it's all of that.

I just haven't been feeling very fluent or funny lately.  Plus, that %&#*ing fibromyalgia/arthritis flare is affecting my right thumb.  So typing hurts.  &^%&*%&^!!!!

Tired, cranky me isn't really much fun.  So, when you think about it, by not blogging, I'm actually being kind. I'm being a humanitarian.  (You're totally welcome.)

I'm not depressed though.  I don't want y'all to think that.  Despite my health problems, I've been going to parties and inviting friends over and I just painted Nature Boy's bathroom.  And I've been baking!

Poo Piles

(I was aiming for the "signature swirl" from that DC Cupcakes show here, but I ended up with Poo Piles.)  

 

After the Poo Pile Debacle of 2013, I broke down and bought a cake decorating set with tips and bags and whatnot. The results were so much better!





Oh yeah, aaaaaand Nature Boy and I just got cast in a local production of Godspell!  Woohoo!  We both got principal roles, which was a happy surprise for both of us.  Don't know if you know much about Godspell, but here's a character list if you're interested.  I am playing Peggy and Nature Boy is playing Herb.  We'll be practicing for the next 3 months and the show will be in June.  We are really excited!

I guess I just want y'all to know that I will be in and out as far as blogging goes.  Which is nothing new, really.  But I won't disappear from the blogosphere without telling you first.

Inconsistently yours,
Danielle

P.S.  Today is my husband's birthday!

Monster Cookie Recipe (For Real)

Tree Guy's dad is one of 10 kids.  His parents were/are masters of cooking for a crowd.  Tree Guy remembers going to his grandparents' house in the summer as a kid and getting one of those jumbo ice cream buckets full of Monster Cookies.  It's just one of many happy memories he has of his North Dakotan grandparents.  I've tried to duplicate some of his grandma's results and failed every time.  (Although I have her bread machine now, and I've figured out how to get the loaves just right. Thanks, Grandma!)  The recipe below is a definite win.  Even for me.  


MONSTER COOKIES (Wheat-Free!)
Brought to you by Tree Guy's Norwegian/German grandparents

Ingredients

1/4 lb shortening
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
3 eggs
3/4 lb peanut butter
4 1/2 cups oats
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
chocolate chips, M&Ms, peanuts, shredded coconut, raisins, etc.

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Mix wet and dry ingredients.  Roll into balls and press down onto cookie sheet lined with foil.  [Below is a picture showing you what the cookies look like if you press them down as instructed (because you are a rule follower and probably have a whole gold star sticker collection) and if you don't (because you're a rebel and anyway, this recipe is not the boss of you).  I recommend pressing them down.  They're less crumbly.]

Bake until lightly brown, about 12 minutes.

To make into a cookie "cake",  plop cookie dough onto a round pizza pan lined with foil, and press dough down into a circular shape, about a half inch in thickness.  Bake until lightly brown, about 14 minutes.

Monster Cookies and Humble Pie

So, four score and seven years ago I promised you guys the recipe for Monster Cookies.  And then I totally failed to deliver.  Sorry!  I'll post the recipe right after I post this blog post, I swear!

I've been failing to deliver on le olde blog for a while now, and all I can say in my defense is that it's a side effect of my overall shift to less computer time and more real life time.  I'm such a slacker that I didn't even participate in the yearly blog meme in January about my word of the year.  (Last year it was balance.  This year it's present.)

Most of my computer time is spent on Facebook.  There's a lot of interaction there.  I like having virtual conversations.  Maybe even more than I like having real conversations, because I can just step away from the computer when people get on my nerves I have some important work to do.  I cherish my Facebook friends.  I'm a word girl, but I'm also a bit of an attention whore, so I'm drawn to the instant feedback on Facebook.  In summary, I believe that in a Facebook/Blog smackdown, Facebook would totally kick Blog's ass.

And speaking of ass-kicking, my current fibromyalgia flare is kicking mine.  It's been going on for 6 years weeks!  Enough already!  I've got an audition for Godspell in less than two weeks.  I can't be walking into the audition room like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

And this is a rock opera (whatever than means).  I'm assuming some dancing will be called for.  Not that I have any dancing skills to speak of, but my right thumb is affected by the fibro, so I can't even manage jazz hands right now!  Nature Boy is auditioning too, by the way.  We're all about the opportunity to do a musical together.  It doesn't happen very often.

Cripply and all, I still managed to throw my second swap last Sunday.  The first swap was about spice cake and swapping clothes and accessories.  Nine friends showed up.  It was a great time!  This time I asked my friends to bring a variety of stuff.  Household stuff.  Garden stuff.  Kid stuff.  Books.  Since the swap was on St. Paddy's Day, I had Celtic music in the background, green (vanilla) and yellow (lemon) cupcakes, and leprechaun turds (jelly beans).  Only one friend got pinched for not wearing green.  She pinched me back though, and then flashed me her green undies.  The same friends came to this swap as last time (minus two Ren Faire-in-training folks and one Cuban Homeskool Mafia slacker who didn't even RSVP...).  I donated all the left over stuff the next day.

Ahh.  Friends+cupcakes+decluttering=good times.

Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures!  Again.  But here's a poster I made for the old guess-how-many-are-in-this-jar-and-win-a-prize game.
  

[Editor's Note:  I totally misspelled the word "leprechaun".  Fock!]

Also, my mom purposely tore down the towel rack in the guest bathroom in a fit of rage because I didn't have her and Nature's Boy's favorite TP on hand (Charmin Sensitive).  Tree Guy repaired the wall, but my crazy fibro thumb made fixing the paint in there before the swap a no-go, so I also hung up this poster.

I have a slight hostess rant to inject here.  I invited 40-odd people to each of my two swaps via Facebook Events, and the vast majority didn't RSVP.  That's annoying, y'all.  I don't mind a "no" at all, but for the love of all that is proper and southern, at least respond to the invite!  Of course it's possible that these friends don't check their Facebook notifications, and I hear a few gave up Facebook for Lent, but I see my Facebook Event invite experience as a microcosm of society at large.  Of the disappearance of social graces in general.  (Not really, y'all.  Actually, I'm just bitter about people not responding to MY invites.  I don't really have a position on other people's invites.  :D )

What do you think?  Am I right to be planning a large-scale cupcake bombing of the no-RSVPing people's houses?  Or is it ridiculous to expect an RSVP to an e-vite in the first place?  21st century problems!

I bet you guys would totally come to a swap party at my house, wouldn't you?!

Whew.  And THAT, dear readers, is what the inside of a bipolar mind sounds like.  Similar to the ADD mind, but with more--feeling.

Up next, MONSTER COOKIES!