Vacuuming in the dark

I am a night owl.  It's my most productive time.  I think 2am is the perfect bedtime and I will bite your head off if you wake me up before 10 (OK, 10:30).  Even Shrinky Dink has to follow that rule (or suffer my wrath!).

We live in a new subdivision, so there are houses going up all around us.  Because of the hellish temperatures this summer (115 degrees!!!), our builder had the workers start at FIVE-FRICKIN'-O'CLOCK-IN-THE-MORNING for most of the summer.  !!!

BAM BAM BAM!  KNOCK KNOCK!  "HEADS UP!"  All morning long. 

(Which is, by the way, the very middle of my night's sleep.)

When I complained about it to my husband (who is a forester for the electric company), he said, "Normal people get up early!  I start knocking on doors at 7:30am." 

WHAT?! 

I pity the fool who knocks on my door at 7:30am. 

No wonder people set their dogs on utility workers.

I know they say "the early bird gets the worm", but I figure since I'm fully bankrolled by Tree Guy, I'll let him do the worm-gathering while I get my beauty sleep.    

It's win-win, really.

I have to say, though, that our differing sleep schedules really cut into my computer time.  Tree Guy goes to bed at 9 or 9:30, which is just about the time that I'm amping up.  Our computer is in the master bedroom, which means that my late-night blogging goofiness is severely curtailed. 

This is a very serious issue.

I tried sneaking in to blog after my husband falls asleep, but that just earned me several sighs and a growl.  Apparently I type loudly.

Selflessly, I tried typing more quietly, only to get in trouble for casting computer screen light upon his slumbering head.

People, hear me.  I can not win.

I'm thinking of suggesting couples counseling so Tree Guy can learn to be more considerate of my needs.

 

He/she: who's that sitting in your church pew?

There's a transgender "woman" who attends our (Catholic) church.  I can tell that she tries very hard to appear womanly, but shapely legs aside, it's pretty obvious that she was born a male.  She prefers animal prints and mini-skirts and big hair.  Long nails, stilettos, and sunglasses indoors.  She is very glamorous.  And she always sits alone.

Not really her, but close.

It makes me proud that she feels comfortable in our church.  I'm sure there are other churches where she'd likely be asked to leave.  I have gay male friends who once loved their churches, but as they got older and more comfortable with themselves, they got less comfortable at their churches.  My friend John told me that he can't attend a church that doesn't support his lifestyle. 

That never made sense to me, because we are ALL sinners.  Church pews are full of sinners.  So are church pulpits and choir chairs and revival tents and evangelist tour buses.  Sinners are made up of heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, asexuals, and metrosexuals! 

The Church does not support sin, it's true.  But it does support sinners in our walk with God.

To me, that means that everyone who wants to attend should be welcome at church.

And no one should have to sit alone.

_______________________________________________


"Why are you calling a biological man she?" you ask.

I know.  It's confusing. 

I have a transgender uncle (aunt?) whose name is now Carol.  I only saw my dad's side of the family about once a year growing up, so I didn't really know my Uncle Charlie.  When I was introduced to Carol as an adult, I only knew that he (she) had fathered my cousin.  I saw Carol as a man in woman's clothes.  I didn't know the difference between someone who is transgender and someone who is a transvestite (a cross-dresser).

What I've learned since is that transgender folks feel that they were "assigned" the wrong sex.  Males in body feel like females on the inside, and vice versa.  It doesn't have to be about sexual attraction at all.  "Trans women" (male-to-female) may still be interested in women.  Or they may be attracted to men, but not consider themselves to be gay because they feel that they are really women. 

Is your head spinning yet?

My dad's side of the family told me that we refer to Carol as a "she" out of respect to her personhood.  It's hard enough to be transgender outside of the family.  Family should be a safe haven. 

At first I balked at this.  I jokingly referred to Carol as my Aunt Charlie or Uncle Carol.  Har har har!  It's easy to joke when the pain is not ours.  Carol was barred from her son's wedding.  She doesn't know her grandchildren.  That is the price she is paying for not being who people think she should be.

When I think of it that way, it makes it easier understand that this is not a choice that Carol is making.  Who would choose to be an outcast?  A joke?

Someone who sits alone at church? 

Postscript: a Q & A

Q:  Well hello, Miss Rantalicious.  Feeling better today?  I hope so, because I've got to point out some irony in your post from yesterday.  You wrote, and I quote, "There are many paths to a destination. Any number of them will get you there. The path you choose (or chose) is not the vaulted One Absolutely Correct and Best Choice. It's simply one path." 

My question is:  Don't you think you are holding your parenting philosophy up as the vaulted One Absolutely Correct and Best Choice? 

A:  I am feeling better today, thanks.  Not as ranty.  That said, my views have not changed.

To answer your question, no.

And here's why.  I believe in human rights.  That all human beings should live free from physical, emotional, and verbal abuse.  Adults are (legally) protected (should they choose to exercise their legal rights).  If another adult threatens them or pushes or slaps them, there are grounds for arrest.

I don't think that protection should start at age 18.  I think people of all ages should have it.

We can scream and threaten and hit children because it's what we've always done.  Not because they are any less deserving of human rights. 

And I think that's wrong.

So, this really isn't about my parenting philosophy.  It's about extending full human rights to children.

Q:  Hmm.  Okay, but what about what the Bible says about spanking?  You know, like in Proverbs 13:24: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently)."

A:  Maybe the "rod" is used figuratively to mean "discipline", rather than a literal spanking staff. 

I'm all for (respectful) discipline.  I believe kids need our guidance.  Even a little chasteneth-ing on occasion.  But I don't believe screaming and hitting are the best ways to achieve that.  That's not how we treat adult criminals in our country.  Are our kids worse than criminals?   

Q:  So are you claiming that you have never spanked or screamed at Nature Boy?

A:  I am not a yeller, no.  I'm more the hand-on-hip, turkey-necking, hairy-eyeball-giving type.  I believe a good discussion is more effective than screaming.  I think the message gets lost when people yell at each other.  The fight or flight response kicks in and the actual content of the exchange is processed like we're hearing a maniacal version of Charlie Brown's teacher.  WAH WAH WAH, WAH WAH!!!!!!!! W&^$%^$%H!

And the goal of discipline, after all, is to teach right thinking or behavior.  NOT to vent our anger or frustration.

I admit that during Nature Boy's Bam Bam phase (fit-throwing, head-butting, stick-brandishing) in toddlerhood/preschool, I did swat him a few (or 10) times in exasperation.  But I knew that it was because I was losing control.  I always apologized afterward and went back to using time outs. 

I know it's easy for parents to lose our cool.  And that kids can be turds sometimes.  And that it's impossible to be a perfect parent. 

When we make mistakes, we need to apologize--as do our kids.  The problem comes when losing control with our kids is our disciplinary method.   

Q:  Isn't it possible that you are being too sensitive when it comes to people criticizing your kid?  How are kids supposed to learn how to act if adults don't teach them? 

Different people and different situations call for different rules and standards.  How will your child know what the rules are if he's not told?  Are you advocating pint-size anarchy?!

A:  I am sensitive about it because I see the damage excessive criticism does to kids (in general) and to my kid (in particular).  I subscribe to the "magic ratio" theory about positive and negative interactions in our important relationships. 

Am I too sensitive?  Since none of us is the standard of normal, I don't really know what "too sensitive" means.  Am I more sensitive about it than you are?  Probably.  Does that mean that I suffer from an excess of sensitivity?  No. 

I am 100% on board with letting kids know the rules and expectations up front--in a respectful way.  Doing this can prevent the need for correction later.  When kids deliberately break the rules, they need consequences.  Because that's how the world works.  The ultimate goal is to learn from the consequences of their actions.

I am personally a fan of The Hairy Eyeball.  The Long, Boring Lecture works too.  I'm not opposed to grounding kids when they willfully break the rules.  And I think natural and logical consequences are very effective.  One natural and logical consequence for turdy behavior in kids is that they need to GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY so I can preserve my sanity, such as it is.  

Consequences do not need to involve screaming and hitting.  That's all I'm saying.

Wait, actually I'm also saying that I think folks need to pick their battles.  Too often, we lash out at kids because they are irritating us.  Not on purpose, but just by being kids.  But adults get on our nerves sometimes too (or maybe that's just me).  We don't berate another grownup for slurping his soup or neglecting to pick up his trash.  We don't launch into an angry diatribe because the lady behind us is absentmindedly kicking the back of our seat.  (Or if we do, we have issues.)

Kids need discipline, I know.  But if we pick our battles, don't sweat the small stuff, and handle those annoying disciplinary situations with maturity, self-control, and respect, our kids will learn so much more from us.  

Because in addition to learning to follow the rules, they'll also be learning about maturity, self-control, and respect.